In an earlier post, I discussed the very intentional family planning process that financial planner Al Wroblewski and his wife carry out twice a year. The problem with planning, however, is that it’s a little bit like the weather: Everyone talks about it, but no one does anything about it.
I believe we left readers with a few unanswered questions:
- How do you get started?
- How should the meetings be conducted?
- What resources are available to help with the conversation?
- How should plans be maintained, reviewed and updated?
Here are some answers:
How do you initiate the talk?
Often planning for aging family members is at the back of everyone’s mind, including the aging family member themself, but no one wants to bring up the topic. The parent or grandparent may not want to be a burden on their children and grandchildren. The child or grandchild may be wary of suggesting that the older family member may need assistance now or in the future. In today’s world, they’re also probably quite busy with work, childcare and just getting through the day. As a result, everyone puts it off.
Often nothing happens until a crisis develops and people jump into action. This has one advantage: The facts are on the ground so it’s easier to come up with a realistic plan. But that plan may not be as good as it would have been for everyone or more difficult to put into effect because no groundwork had been laid in advance. For instance, would it have been easier if the older family member lived closer to their children already rather than hundreds of miles away?
For these reasons, it’s important that someone take the reins and initiate a discussion. In many cases, it’s easiest for the older family member themself to raise the issue, to tell their children (or grandchildren or nieces and nephews) that they would like to convene a meeting. If they don’t take this step, it’s incumbent on other family members to do so, perhaps as a team rather than one alone raising the issue.
The meeting can happen in conjunction with a holiday when the family is already in one place, but that’s not at all necessary. With the easy availability of videoconferencing the meeting can happen at any time with no need for anyone to travel. There’s no need to mix family festivities with heavier topics.
What should you talk about?
Al Wroblewski provided a detailed list of possible topics, probably too many for any single meeting. But they can be a good start for agenda items:
- Check in, how’s everyone doing?
- Finances
- Health
- Home, whether maintenance of a house or consideration of a move
- Care needs, now or in the future
- Estate plan review
- End of life decisions
- Other issues
There are programs that can assist with the discussion of some of these topics. The Conversation Project started by former Boston Globe columnist Ellen Goodman provides excellent tools for discussing health care and end-of-life issues.
The Family Caregiver Alliance offers a very detailed list of possible questions to consider and guidelines for holding a family meeting here. For instance, it recommends making sure that everyone has the opportunity to be heard.
The National Institute on Aging provides a Caregiver’s Handbook that includes a number of useful worksheets on topics such as one for Coordinating Caregiving Responsibilities and another with Questions To Consider Before Moving an Older Adult Into Your Home.
Who should you include?
The more people included in the conversation, the better. After we published the post about Al Wroblewski’s plan and his wife, Maria’s, planning process, he got back in touch to let me know that they now think it was a mistake not to include their children’s spouses since they also have a vested interest in what happens to them, especially to the extent that it may involve time commitments by the children that would impact their families.
Annual review
This is not a once and done conversation. There may be too many topics to cover in one meeting. People’s situations, wishes, feelings and goals evolve over time, as may their comfort level in discussing various topics. It’s important to revisit it periodically. One possibility would be to schedule a session on a particular date each year, perhaps on the parents’ anniversary or another date that has some personal significance. That way, it’s on the calendar far in advance and participants can adjust their schedules in order to attend.